According to legend, my second favorite source after the woman in New Hampshire who posed as a prosecutor and used the state’s computer system to submit documents to drop charges in three criminal cases against herself, and I’m assuming this is true even though it’s on the Fox News website because it was nowhere near the story about the three-headed goat’s disappearing emails, and although the woman in New Hampshire was caught, there are several Power 5 football programs that would like to hire her in their “Compliance” department and … wait, where was I?
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Oh yes. Legend.
It’s Halloween week! Bless this time of year for it brings us God’s vegetable — candy corn. And don’t @ me.
Legend has it that Halloween dates back more than 2,000 years to the ancient Gaelic festival of Samhain, which marked the end of the summer harvest and the beginning of the dark and cold winter when NFL teams with one win in late October woke up realizing they still had two months to go.
The Celts believed the eve of Oct. 31 is when the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead was at its thinnest, making it possible for evil spirits to return from the underworld and damage crops, blot out the sun, invent microwave burritos and box wine, open three Walmarts and a Taco Bell, invent decaf coffee, infiltrate Liberty University, put on a 76-year-old Tony LaRussa mask and get a job, fly over Georgia sports venues just for giggles, mail out 17 million oversized campaign postcards that scream at you and spontaneously combust when you open your mailbox and possibly run for political office three days later, because why not?
Over time, Halloween turned into a day when we carved faces into pumpkins, wore costumes and knocked on doors so people would give us Snickers and Skittles. We’ve come a long way since destroying crops and fearing the underworld, except given Tuesday maybe not. Unicorn blood, anyone?
This week, Georgia plays Kentucky. Kirby Smart is hoping that exorcism worked. The Bulldogs’ defense was stomped by Alabama two weeks ago, and Stetson Bennett (three interceptions, three sacks, 18-for-40) often looked like the No. 4 quarterback he was expected to be. I suspect this jumbled schedule works to Georgia’s benefit. There are two words you love to see before the Florida game: “bye” and “Kentucky.”
No trick: Georgia wins and covers 16 1/2.
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School Daze
Notre Dame at Georgia Tech: Geoff Collins, who worked for Nick Saban and understands the art of an orchestrated rant, gave a passionate, punch-all-you-haters-in-the-face, five-minute soliloquy in response to a question about maintaining positivity this week. I was going to count how many words it was, but I only got up to trigonometry in school and lost my slide rule or possibly traded it for a Willie Davis baseball card. But the word count was definitely more than 121, which, by the way, is how many points the Jackets have allowed in consecutive losses of 73-7 to Clemson and 48-27 to Boston College. My favorite part of Collins’ comments: “And I keep score, too.” Note to Collins: It’s not personal. It’s just business. Leave the points. Take the cannoli. Notre Dame covers 20.
The Anti-Collins Motivational Speech
Boston College at Clemson: The Tigers got some heat for leading Syracuse by only six points late in the third quarter. When you’re No. 1, you don’t get to rank games by wins, only the degree of scorched earth. Trevor Lawrence tested positive for COVID on Thursday and is out. So Clemson wins, but take BC and 31.
Missouri at Florida: Asked this week about the number of available scholarship players to play, given COVID and injuries, Florida coach Dan Mullen said, “Yeah, we should have some people to play.” Urban Meyer was similarly secretive when he was the coach, although it had more to do with probation schedules. Gators win but take Mizzou and 12 1/2.
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt: To recap: Officials blew a call in the Mississippi-Auburn game. The SEC agreed they blew the call. Ole Miss coach Lane Kiffin agreed it was a blown call and retweeted a video of the blown call. The SEC fined Kiffin $25,000. Why? Because I guess the conference doesn’t like honesty and accuracy, and if it collects a few more fines, it can surpass the gross national product of Switzerland. Kiffin (average coach, funny guy) started a building fund in pennies to help pay for the fine and asked for 25,000 pennies. Missed it by a couple of zeroes. Maybe he needed my slide rule. Rebels cover 16 1/2.
Our favorite street in Oxford is Penny Lane. New shirt available from our friends at @BreakingT. You can buy it here: https://t.co/J5JMTKmKHh pic.twitter.com/B0gyfCNLp9
— Saturday Down South (@SDS) October 27, 2020
LSU at Auburn: Gus Malzahn will gladly pay Kiffin’s fine. Also anybody else’s. On a related note, Auburn is 1-2 in the SEC if you don’t include the two wins conference officials handed them against Ole Miss and Arkansas. LSU covers 3.
Mississippi State at Alabama: The Tide have lost wide receiver Jaylen Waddle for the season. They’re down to 47 All-Americans. Somebody start a GoFundMe. Bammy wins, but take Mississippi State and 31.
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Arkansas at Texas A&M: Sam Pittman is the nicest man in the world and a hell of a football coach, and he’s making Arkansas likable again, which isn’t easy after Lou Holtz, Houston Nutt, Bobby Petrino and Bret Bielema, but if you tell anybody I wrote this I’ll deny it. Oink. On a related note, the Petrino Neck Brace Halloween costume never gets old. A&M wins but take Arkansas and 12 1/2.
It never gets old
Bobby Petrino (Beth Hall / USA Today)
Pros and Everything Below
Falcons at Carolina: This Falcons’ season has been mind-boggling. No, actually, I believe it was the noted philosopher, Chaz Michael Michaels from “Blades of Glory,” who put it best:
Last week they would’ve won if interim coach Raheem Morris called for a kneel downor running back Todd Gurley didn’t score, or the defense stopped the Detroit Lions — the Detroit Lions — from driving 75 yards for a touchdown in one minute. But of course, of course, this is Atlanta, so the chance of a slice of toast landing buttered side down are directly proportional to whether it is dropped by a Falcons player (so, 100 percent). One more reminder here (audio likely overlapped from previous play when Falcons were third-and-1, but Matt Ryan clearly delivered the message.)
“Don’t score. Don’t score. Don’t score.”
I wish that I had never seen this… pic.twitter.com/XiAwzMWTgX
— 🇬🇧 Atlanta Falcons 🔴⚫ (@ATLFalconsUK) October 28, 2020
Meanwhile, back to this week’s loss: Carolina covers 2 1/2 tonight.
Patriots at Bills: Cam Newton was pulled last week after throwing three interceptions, and New England has lost three straight for the first time in 18 years. This is the football equivalent of when the snack machine at Apple is empty and everybody panics. Sympathy? Anybody? Patriots win (take the 4).
Cowboys at Eagles: Cowboys defensive coordinator Mike Nolan had to put his news conference on hold the other day because he got Tabasco sauce in his eye, and no I’m not making this up. Possibly related: Dallas has allowed the most points in the league (34.7 per game). Philly covers 7 1/2.
Bucs at Giants: The Bucs have signed Antonio Brown. He was a free agent, but Tom Brady had to give up two souls as compensatory picks in the deal.
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Homer Brady Faust vs. The Devil
Jets at Chiefs: NFL point spreads used to never rise to two touchdowns. Then the Jets went full Jets. I’m a sucker for a big lollipop. Take New York and 19 1/2.
Steelers at Ravens: I still think it would be better if this game was played every year on a loading dock. Ravens cover 4.
Damn, I’m good
“There are many harsh lessons to be learned from the gambling experience, but the harshest one of all is the difference between having Fun and being Smart.” — Hunter S. Thompson.
Last week: 10-3 straight up, 9-4 against the line.
Bottom dollars: 62-28 straight up, 54-35-1 against the line.
Lilly’s pick: Lilly is coming off a one-week suspension for clear for clearly not eating performance-enhancing kibble with a rarely dreadful start of 2-4. This week, we set her up for an easy screen pass: Georgia vs. Kentucky. Our production staff salami’d two pictures: KFC’s Col. Sanders on the left and a picture of Fox Bros Barbecue on the right. (Fox Bros is not paying for this endorsem*nt, but I can be bought.) For Lilly, it’s all about the rib ones. She went right. Georgia wins.
(Illustration: Jeff Schultz / The Athletic)
